Wizard of NCIS
by moonstone glows
Summary: The Wizard of Oz Tony DiNozzo style. A little cracky, and NOT FOR ZIVA FANS, really, do not read it and then whine about what I did to Ziva.


Tony groaned as he forced his eyes open, one hand going to his head and feeling for the bump he was sure had to be there. He couldn't feel any signs of an injury, but his eyes were taking in more of his immediate surroundings now, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. He was in a field, and off to the side, a wooden house had been smashed into toothpicks. It wasn't until he stood up that he registered what he was wearing.

"Gingham, really?" he whined, looking skywards.

A small dog scampered over, yapping and snarling as he dusted off his pants, but he ignored it, going over to check out the smashed house.

He winced as he saw two feet sticking out from out under the house, clad in toffee brown slacks, kelly green striped tube socks by the looks of it, and shiny red loafers.

"Ugh, no dress sense, at all," he shuddered.

"Woo, rocking," a new voice squealed behind him, and he turned sharply, seeing a woman standing there, dark hair pulled up in pigtails, a tight black t-shirt bearing the slogan 'Which Witch was squished?' and a black and white check miniskirt.

Realizing that he was looking at her, she straightened up on her chunky platform boots, and her kohl rimmed eyes went serious as she raised a wand topped with a little glittery skull.

"I am Abby, the Good Witch, you have killed Leon, the Wicked Wizard of the East. You must wear the ruby loafers, and go to the Wizard in Emerald City."

"Uh, really, thanks but no thanks, they're a little bit too Liberace for me, and they _really _don't go with the threads."

"Oh for….just put them on and go with the flow will you, it's in the script," she told him with a determined look, punching him in the arm.

"Ow, fine, geeze," he muttered, going to retrieve the lurid footwear.

"Good, now follow the yellow brick road," she told him, waving her wand in the direction of a line of yellow bricks set into the paving.

Shrugging he set off along the indicated route as he couldn't think of a good reason not to, and he didn't want her to punch him again. He sighed as the snarly little dog followed after him, still yapping periodically.

"If you're going to follow me, could you at least pipe down?" he finally said impatiently. The dog snarled again, but fell silent as it followed him.

He had been walking for some time when he reached a junction, yellow bricks stretching off to the left, and the right.

"Great, follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, she says, now what?" he muttered.

"_I _know," a slightly supercilious voice said, coming from a field to his right.

"What?" he asked, turning to find the source of the voice and seeing a haughty looking scarecrow looking down its nose at him.

"I know the way."

"Well, will you tell me?"

"If you get me down from here and let me go with you I will, I want to go to Emerald City too, I want to see the Wizard," the scarecrow said.

"Whatever," he sighed, hopping the fence to cut down the scarecrow, down. Just what he needed to add to the snarly little bitch he already had following him, a sulky, supercilious scarecrow. He snickered slightly to himself at the alliteration.

"This way," the scarecrow indicated as soon as they were back on the road.

Tony nodded and set off again, noticing that the dog padded along quite tolerantly beside the sulky scarecrow, well good, they could keep each other company and leave him the hell alone.

They walked on a little longer, Tony pretty much ignoring the mildly hostile vibes he could feel coming from behind him, until they reached an area where woods started to replace the fields on one side of the road.

"Hi," Tony said, seeing a pleasant face wearing glasses and framed by a curling mane peeping out from behind a tree.

With a little 'eep', the face vanished behind the tree before peering out again.

"I'm Tony," he offered, waiting to see if the other would reply.

"J…Jimmy, a..are you going to…Emerald City?" he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper at the end.

"Yes, we are."

"Could I come? Sorry, sorry, silly question, you don't want me in your way."

"Sure you can come," Tony decided, he would probably be better company than the scarecrow and the dog, who were both completely ignoring the half hidden figure in favour of casting impatient looks up the road.

Jimmy stepped hesitantly out from behind the tree, revealing a furry body and a tail clutched in between the front paws to go with the mane.

They set off again, Jimmy the cowardly lion joining the odd little group, scampering alongside Tony and casting nervous looks over his furry shoulder at the constant low level snarl from the dog, and the sneering looks from the scarecrow.

"Don't mind them," Tony said, patting him lightly on the back.

They continued on as the woods grew denser on both sides of the road, until they came across a silver figure frozen to stillness at the side of the road, an axe leaning against a tree stump beside him.

"Do you need some help there?" Tony asked, looking him in the icy blue eyes.

"Coffee," he grunted through his frozen jaw, eyes flicking in the direction of the oddly steaming pot sitting innocuously on the stump where the axe leaned.

"Oookay," Tony said slowly, reaching for the pot and the large mug sitting behind it.

The contents of the pot just filled the mug, and Tony took it over and helped the silver man take a few sips until his limbs unfroze and he could take the mug himself and take a deep gulp.

"So, we're all heading for Emerald City, to see the Wizard, apparently. Do you want to come?" Tony asked.

The tin man shrugged and with his axe in one hand, and his strangely refilled coffee mug in the other, he stepped onto the road. Tony notice that Jimmy was careful to keep him between himself and the woodsman while the scarecrow and the mutt looked at him like he was the best thing in the world, but the woodsman ignored them all, focusing only on Tony.

"We going or not?" he grumped irritably.

"On your six," Tony smirked, gesturing him to take the lead and set the pace.

They followed the woodsman as he marched off down the road at a hard pace, and was strangely pleased to hear the scarecrow start to huff for breath behind him while he and the lion had no issue keeping up.

They had left the woods, and were once more surrounded by fields when there was a cackle and a Witch swooped down from above on a broom. She was short, and her red hair looked like it had suffered an unfortunate meeting with a gardening implement, little spikes sticking out in all directions.

"I'm the Witch of the West, give me the ruby loafers, they belong to me," she demanded imperiously.

The dog looked up at the witch adoringly and started trying to pull the loafers off Tony's feet with her teeth, snarling all the while. Tony nudged the mutt aside more gently than he thought it really deserved and glared up at the Witch.

"No," he said bluntly.

"You have to give them to me, I need the magic in them so that I can hunt the frogs."

"Tough, sorry," he shrugged, unconcerned by the glare she gave him.

"I will get what I want, with or without your co-operation," she shrieked threateningly.

"No, you won't, now go away, you're annoying me," he said, waving a dismissive hand.

She screeched and swooped down on him, but he grabbed her arm, pulling her off the broom and dropping her into a gully between the road and the field, into a couple of inches of fairly stagnant water.

"What have you done, I'm melting, I'm melting," she shrieked, melting.

"Such a drama queen," he sighed.

The woodsman snorted, taking another gulp of his coffee and starting off along the road again without a word.

The sun was starting to set as they reached the huge gates set into the walls of the Emerald City, and it took both hands for Tony to use the knocker.

"Yes?" a head popped out through a small portal in the door.

"We're here to see the Wizard," Tony said.

"Of course you are, no one ever comes here for any other reason," he grumbled, pulling his head back in, and slamming the portal shut. After a long moment the door creaked open and they stepped inside.

Continuing to follow the yellow bricks until they came to a large marble staircase, they went up, entering though the tall doors at the top.

"Oh, hello, what a diverse group," a small man said cheerfully, straightening his bow tie.

"Are you the Wizard?" Tony asked.

"Yes, yes, but you can call me Ducky, so much friendlier. What could have brought such an unusual group to me?"

"Well, I'm not sure why the others chose to come along, but I'd really like to just go home now," Tony said.

"And the rest of you?"

"I want a bigger brain, I want to be the smartest person in the whole world," the scarecrow said pompously, stepping forward.

"Ah, you are already very smart, it isn't what you know that matters dear boy, it's how you apply what you know to the people and situations around you," he said, stepping past him to the lion.

"And you my boy?"

"C…c…courage, I'd like some courage," he stuttered.

"You have all the courage you need my boy, it took courage to come here after all, and having courage when it matters is all that matters."

The dog was next, it growled quietly, baring sharp little teeth.

"Ah, there is nothing to be done for you my dear, you don't really want to do anything other than snap and snarl at those around you, or use others to get you where you want to go."

The woodsman was next, watching silently and sipping on the mug of coffee that still didn't seem to be getting any emptier.

"Hello old friend, are you here to hear the same old things?"

"Nope, I'm good Ducky, I found what I needed to find," he shrugged.

Ducky leaned closer, and quirked a smile, hearing the steady thump of a heart inside the tin chest.

"Ah, so you have."

Turning back to Tony, he gave him an avuncular smile.

"Then that just leaves you, simply click your heels together three times, and keep repeating 'there's no place like home,'" he told him.

/x/

"Ducky," Gibbs said sharply, leaning forward in the chair beside the hospital bed as he heard Tony start mumbling something under his breath.

"Ah, it seems he is waking up," Ducky smiled, rising from his own chair to stand beside Gibbs.

"Tony? Hey, DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly, leaning over the side of the bed and resting his hand on Tony's forearm.

Green eyes slit open a sliver, and he looked hazily at the two men leaning over the bed.

"Hey boss, had the weirdest dream," he slurred with a goofy grin.

"You were there, and you were there, and Abby and McGeek and Ziva," he said, snickering over that.

"Yeah, well the EMTs gave you the loopy juice before me or Duck could stop 'em kid, so not really a surprise you've been having funny dreams," Gibbs told him, smoothing the messy hair over the bandage taped over the lump on his senior agent's forehead.

"Indeed Anthony, you get a little more sleep and we will tell the doctor that you regained consciousness, then perhaps when you wake again, Jethro will be permitted to take you out of here, and you can spend a few days under his watchful eye," Ducky said.

Tony obediently closed his eyes again, reassured by the weight of Gibbs hand on his arm, reassuring him that all was well in his world.

The End


End file.
